Vegans Are Monsters: Plants Know When They’re Being Eaten, Says Science

A new study from the University of Missouri suggests that plants know when they are about to be eaten, and they aren’t fans.

Plants not only know when they’re about to be eaten, but they take evasive action, employing defense mechanisms to attempt to stop the big hairy monsters from shoving them down their throat holes.

Once I realized that plants didn’t feel pain, I stopped eating them. But now that I know that vegetables can feel, I can finally add them back into my diet. I have a strict code of only eating sentient objects.